Too Many Reminders

Why is it that when I'm feeling low it seems that everyone lines up to point out my faults?  Dumb question, I know.  Yesterday my son went on and on about a family friend and how great she looks and no offense to me, how skinny she has become.  Of course that it doesn't help that she is my chosen successor.  When I finally do leave I know she'll be the one to step in and take care of my kids...and my husband.  Some days I feel good about knowing that she's here and others...well some days it does hurt knowing that I won't be missed that long.

This topsy turvy world of depression really is too much sometimes.  Why is it some days I feel nothing but pain and look forward to the end but others I almost resent knowing that it's coming?  After all I'm making the choice to leave, so why do I resent losing out?  Today is one of those days.  I see Life all around me...and I hate that I'll be missing some of it.  the old, "it's not fair, this isn't what was supposed to happen" dilemma.  This is why I firmly believe it's better or easier to be completely insane and never know what you're missing.  This partial crap is so devestating.

Still Here

School holidays are still on and of course that means children underfoot and everywhere.  I wish I was one of those moms who loved the holidays and loved spending 24/7 with the kids, but I'm not.  Some days I just sit and stare at them and wonder where I can hide from them.  Very mature, I know.

My kids aren't' bad.  I'm just not very tolerant.  One of my many faults.

Proud Happy and Thrilled

At least that's what the persona is.  What it has to be.  Dh is at his breaking point.  He said wanted to sit together last night with a glass of wine and I thought he was just trying to be close to me.  Turns out it was his attempt to reach out to me and point out the obvious.  He's worried that I'm at my breaking point and he's worried about me and the kids.  He doesn't have any solutions but he's worried.

I can't say as I blame him.  He's right, it's a foul mess right now.  Sadly, I do have a solution, only it's not one he wants to hear.  My replacement is all picked out and she's sure to step in nicely.  Although...smugly...I do know that his mom will never like her as much as she's liked me.

But how long until it's time for me to go?  I don't know.  I would leave today if I could, but I can't.  Is it nerve, lack of committment, fear?  I'm not sure.  But I know I'm staying, for now.

However, until I do finally get my act together, it's time for a little reserve.  No more sad faces and time to pretend that I'm proud, happy and thrilled.  See if I win any awards for acting. 

Today is a Good Day

Good because I have no thoughts of suicide today.  Wow...how the mighty have fallen.  I used to harbor a bit more grandiose of wishes but now if I can get through the day without dreaming of ways to die, well then, I know it's a winner.

P athletic, I know.  But sometimes you have to take what you can get.  though, is it more pathetic knowing that I'm better because I've spent half the day in bed rather than being around my children?  Hmmm, that is the question.  I suppose I should be more thrilled when I'm around my kids all day and then I don't' feel like suicide...THEN I have a winner.  Suppose so.  But until then, I'll take this.  Spent half the day in bed, well, 3/4 , saw my daughters for only a about 45 minutes total for the day and I'm about to go to bed without tiny, gorgeous pills and I'm not even remotely sober...guess this is a winner.  Or else I've feigned the waxing gibbous thing.  Still not sure how I feel about this title.  I'll let you know when I'm a weeeee bit more sober.

First Post is the Hardest

It's a silly title isn't it?  Sometimes I am too clever for my own good.  I was checking the weather report and I saw waxing gibbous as a term to describe the moon.  I'm not too ashamed to admit that I had no damn clue what that meant so off to the University of Wikipedia and here it's a description of the amount of the moon visibile to Earth.  Suddenly it seemed so poetic.  With the moon a large part is showing but there is still a large visible blackness and that seems like my life.  Most of the time my "normal" persona is visible but there is this ever-present madness side that is always lurking.  The feigning comes in when I need to hide that more of the madness is showing than should be.

Then again, maybe it's just a stupid-ass saying that in 2 weeks will be decidedly less funny and I'll change it something more fluffy, like "Cute Things My Cherubs Said Today"

I doubt it though.  I already have that blog.  I get to sound sweet and chipper there.  This blog is where I'll get to really speak.  Only because no one who knows me is aware of it.  Because if they did, they would lock me up again.

I have a problem with depression.  Have for years.  Only...in the last few years it's gotten really bad.  Right now I would kill myself gladly but I don't have a way to do it and not be too much of a burden to my family.  So I sit here and I'm going to type this as a record of what I feel.  I can't talk to my husband...just a small inklying of what's in my head sends him into a tizzy.  It's fair anyway...he's a good person but he just doesn't understand the call of the madness. 

So the gist of this blog will be to say out loud what I can't in real life.  I hate my life.  I wish more than anything that I was dead.  I can't do anything about it but survive day-to-day until I mercifully die someday.