First Post is the Hardest

It's a silly title isn't it?  Sometimes I am too clever for my own good.  I was checking the weather report and I saw waxing gibbous as a term to describe the moon.  I'm not too ashamed to admit that I had no damn clue what that meant so off to the University of Wikipedia and here it's a description of the amount of the moon visibile to Earth.  Suddenly it seemed so poetic.  With the moon a large part is showing but there is still a large visible blackness and that seems like my life.  Most of the time my "normal" persona is visible but there is this ever-present madness side that is always lurking.  The feigning comes in when I need to hide that more of the madness is showing than should be.

Then again, maybe it's just a stupid-ass saying that in 2 weeks will be decidedly less funny and I'll change it something more fluffy, like "Cute Things My Cherubs Said Today"

I doubt it though.  I already have that blog.  I get to sound sweet and chipper there.  This blog is where I'll get to really speak.  Only because no one who knows me is aware of it.  Because if they did, they would lock me up again.

I have a problem with depression.  Have for years.  Only...in the last few years it's gotten really bad.  Right now I would kill myself gladly but I don't have a way to do it and not be too much of a burden to my family.  So I sit here and I'm going to type this as a record of what I feel.  I can't talk to my husband...just a small inklying of what's in my head sends him into a tizzy.  It's fair anyway...he's a good person but he just doesn't understand the call of the madness. 

So the gist of this blog will be to say out loud what I can't in real life.  I hate my life.  I wish more than anything that I was dead.  I can't do anything about it but survive day-to-day until I mercifully die someday.